A resource for the rest of us: self expression, confidence, flirting, fashion, shopping & all things

Fetish Fashion, not your fetish?

2010-03-03T23:41:00Z

Where is there a rule that you have to wear fetish fashion to a kink event? Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE clothes. I love fashion. I really love fetish fashion. You might even say that I have a fashion fetish. But that’s me, it may not be you. Your fetish may be objectification or urine. I find it hard to believe that you would talk about me because I didn’t flag yellow at a leather event. You accept my kink and I accept your kink. But somewhere along the line it became a social requirement to wear fetish wear – or at the very least all black – to kink events.

You may say, “but leather and black is a tradition from the old guard.” I get that, and I really – REALLY – enjoy my Sir wearing those sexy leather pants and oh so lick-able boots. But, I also respect that you may not be old guard, you may not be into leather or latex or corsets or any other traditional non-traditional attire. Interestingly enough, I continuously find rants, raves, posts and blogs trashing those who show up at kink events in “inappropriate clothing.” How dare someone show up to the dungeon wearing a polo shirt of all things?

I think we are overlooking the big picture here. The problem isn’t what you wear, but how you wear it. There are a few rules of fashion that apply just as much to the dungeon as it does to every other day. And, they apply to everyone – wearing fetish clothing, or not.

Here are my top five fashion rules:

1. It isn’t what you wear; it’s how you wear it. You and I may be wearing the same exact $200 dress, but one of us will look better than the other. It, however, has nothing to do with who is skinnier. It has everything to do with how we use that dress to express ourselves and how we use it as a part of a plan. Accessories? Hair? Makeup? What does it say about you? Femme? Dyke? Fun? Serious? If you leave out the rest of the plan all you have is a $200 dress. Put it all together and you put together an amazingly effective statement of self expression.

2. Don’t forget the shoes. This is a big pet peeve of mine and I will try to not hold it against you, but come on!! You look amazing in the outfit, perfect hair, great makeup…and um, flip flops? Really? Now, I know some of you are saying, “Nina, not everyone can wear heels 24/7,” but it has nothing to do with heels and everything to do with the details.

Fetish fashion aside, take a look at the details. If you want to wear to a polo shirt and shorts to the dungeon (or anywhere else) and not be judged, please take an extra moment to look at the details. Everything that you do should be deliberate. If you want to be dirty, be DIRTY! But, if your goal is not to play pig for the evening, than take a moment to ask yourself if your clothes are clean, not worn out, and fit well. I could go on and on (and on) about this, but I’ll limit myself to three quick tips for helping you pay attention to the details: 1) have a full length mirror …. And use it. If you have the space and money, have two and get a look at your back side. 2) sit down! It may look great standing up, but eventually (no matter how hard core you are), you will have to sit down. Are you looking in the mirror? Are you still sexy sitting down in the outfit? 3) Start at the top. Starting at my hair and going to my shoes, I ask myself if I’m saying what I want to say about myself today. Did I forget something? Does it all come together?

3. Dress for your body type. This is a really hard rule for me to follow. I REALLY want to wear that skin tight PVC dress. But I have to accept that I am not doing myself any favors but ignoring the fact that my body is not built for that dress. It has nothing to do with weight. I’m curvy, but I do not have an hour glass figure (yes you can be curvy and have an hourglass figure). When I’m choosing clothing, I try to focus on creating a waistline. For me this means A-line skirts, drawing attention to my cleavage and avoiding clothes that are too big for me. Everyone’s body is different. So, just because a style is “in”, doesn’t mean that you should ever be seen in it!!

Fashion may not be your fetish, but remember it says more than you think about who you are. What is your fashion saying about you?

199

2009-06-19T13:57:00Z

I've only lost a total of 8lbs since I began this journey and its been an incredibly slow and painful one at that. But, I have finally reached my first goal...199lbs. It is with some shame that I have to admit that the key to my success is my iPhone. I mean, come on...really? Yes, really. It's with me all the time. I can make healthy choices before I order, no matter where I am...its always with me. And, talk about instant gratification. I can enter my weight, I can track physical activity, I can see results right away!!

Keeping track of what I eat and really understanding what I eat has been a real challenge for me. But, its a good habit in the making. The next habit to build? Yuck - increasing my water intake.

Anal 101 - a review

2009-04-12T11:56:01Z

I’m defiantly not an expert on anal. I’m still pretty terrified of it actually. That’s what makes it so much fun for me I guess. It’s still a challenge for me to get over that mental hurdle. As a result, I am truly submitting to my Sir when we have anal sex. It’s ALWAYS totally hot. There are also other benefits. There are the mind blowing orgasms and then there is what I like to call “the shiny factor.”

I’m going to start out by saying that this is totally not true. That what I am about to say is a JOKE. A FUNNY. A bit of spoiled little girl HUMOR….I have to put this up front sometimes, because there are those of you, you know you are out there (not sarcastic), who do not recognize humor or sarcasm. So here we go….

Butt sex gets you bling. Shiny. Bribes. Let me explain. The topic of butt sex comes up while I am chatting with my sister (we’ll call her Jen). And yes, I really do talk about butt sex with my sister (whose name really is Jen). Her boyfriend wants it; she’s not inclined to try it. I tell her, a) it fucking rocks and b) it gets you shiny. She’s not inclined to believe me. This is when I pull out my brand new, SHINEY black berry (this was when the black berry was the phone of choice; before the iphone). I’m still not sure she is inclined to believe me, but she’s pondering the possibilities. I can see it her shoppoloic little eyes.

But it is scientifically proven that during ejaculation men’s minds fill with a chemical cocktail of brain chemicals, including norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and a jumble of other big words that translate into shiny. What does it really mean? It means that a) men are naturally inclined to fall asleep after sex – they aren’t doing it because you do not turn into a pizza or ESPN and b) that they are chemically more open to intimacy, trust and bonding. They become more amenable….to giving up the shiny! Yes ladies, the best time to ask for the shiny is that short time between ejaculation and sleep. So, back to my original point …. Anal Sex Rocks.

This is how I find myself sitting in a class by Tristan Taoramino (www.puckerup.com). I’ve already seen her on television, a hands on, how to of anal sex in fact, long before I was kinky or even thinking about having sex. And I’ve already read her book, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, and passed it on to my sister. And, I’ve already been having kick ass (not sarcastic) anal sex for about three years. But, I’m always up for more education – especially when it comes to my sexual pleasure.

It was a great class and it flew by quickly. In fact, I didn’t realize that my butt was asleep from the metal folding chairs until we stood up to leave. Tristan is an amazing public speaker. Very dynamic and funny. The lecture – and it was a lecture – was entirely engaging. So much so, that I didn’t realize that it was lecture until the end and reflecting on my own public speaking experience realized that she did not ask questions. It was not an interactive class. We didn’t get to share.

I picked up one or two new ideas from the class, but I would not say it was significantly enlightening. This is only because I already saw her show and read the book. It’s the same information, which it should be. What the lecture did provide was a comfortable setting and a cute girl to tell me that anal sex was ok. Of course I already knew this, I had the black berry to prove it (sarcasm). All joking aside, for me and I suspect for others in the room, it was comforting to see that there were others out there who wanted to have butt sex. It was comforting to see that this normal looking, attractive woman could smile and joke and not miss a beat while telling us how to give ourselves an enema.

I was not disappointed. My only “complaint” about Tristan’s lecture was that I felt that she did look at me or anyone else in the room for that matter. She was looking at the back of the room, at her partner perhaps. It’s a tried and true public speaking trick. And it’s especially useful when you are presenting to a large audience, which this was not. I spent the first 10 minutes trying to figure out if she was cross eyed. It was slightly distracting. Perhaps it was just me?

Tristan is a dynamic and funny girl. She makes butt sex not taboo, but fun and sexy. Well worth the $140 ($30 each for my Sir and I, $40 for the butt toy we bought after the class and $40 for dinner that the pasta bar down the street). It was a lovely evening. I’d check her out if you get the chance!!

Jet Setter

2009-04-06T19:34:00Z

It was a whirl wind of weekend. In fact, I can’t say that I’ve had such a busy and diverse weekend in a long time, maybe never. I may indeed now be a jet setter. I started out at fundraiser for the NCSF, it rocked well into the morning and I found myself in bed about 3 or 4am. By 6am I was up and getting ready to go to work. The store was vending at a fetish event in Baltimore. With the help of my partner we got the trailer hooked up (it’s never as easy at 6:30am as it is at 5pm), found our ways to the event hotel and were set up by 9am. I was teaching by 9:02am. Let’s talk about sex. I don’t know about you but I’m not ready to talk about much at 9am, but I guess if I have to talk about something in should be sex. We wrapped up the class at 10:15. I had exactly 45 minutes to say good bye to my boyfriend (who is also my business partner if you are new to the Nina Story), drive to the airport, find parking and make my way through security.

I’m finally on my way home now. Its Sunday afternoon. My flight yesterday was to Atlanta. I was barely there 24 hours, where I was invited to teach at LLC. I spoke about transforming our personal experiences into teaching opportunities. I was surprised to know so many people in Atlanta. I’d like to say it was my first time there, but I can’t tell you that for sure. And even this time I’m not sure it counted. I can’t say “oh, I love Atlanta.” “It’s beautiful there.” Or even, “the weather there was amazing.” I went, I ate room service, reviewed my presentation, slept, presented, and ran back to the airport.

There ‘s so much to share about this weekend, that I have no idea where to start. The amazing people that I met, the weird things that I saw, or the things I learned. It’s all too much to take-in in just one sitting. But as I sit here, flying along the eastern sea board (I’m generic in my description because I failed geography) the thing that I find most memorable is what was missing from my weekend.

I didn’t obsess, I didn’t panic, I didn’t fret or stress. I procrastinated a little, but just a little. Really. I remember this person. I use to be that person only a few short years about when it was common place for me to teach three or four classes sometimes in different states without even batting an eye lash. Of course instead of teaching people how to talk about sex or finding individuality in a community of labels, I was teaching managers how to not kill their employees. This is much more exciting. But in fact it felt like the job I use to have. Almost (ALMOST) a corporate job. I had objectives. Ummmm, I even had a check list. Several of them in fact. A check list for the fundraiser. A checklist for the store and vending. A check list to take care of Sir. In case you haven’t guessed, I love my checklists. What those checklists represented (besides OCD) was an objective (or seven) and a plan.

For those of you that haven’t seen it. And even though most of you that I know have pretended not to notice, I’m sure that you saw that I was losing it. You may even say going nuts. Crazy just sounds too clinical. So, we’ll just say plain nuts. The nuttier I got the worse my OCPD got. And somewhere in the past year I have somehow found my way back to path. It’s a beautiful path lined with checklists, palm pilots and broadband. Oh there are some roses too, but mostly just checklists. But they are also pretty (I like pretty paper). It makes me realize that I am damn proud of myself. Of course I’m proud of myself for putting on such a kick ass fundraiser, building a “teaching career” where I’m invited to teach in two states on the same weekend, or building a successful business. But I’m most proud of myself for taking care of me and getting my ass straightened out. Of course, I owe a large part of my successful checklist rediscovery to my amazing Sir, my awesome doctor and great friends. But, I did it. I found my way back. And boy am I glad that I did. Because besides checklists and jet setting, there are truly amazing friends and lots of naked partying.

Sexiest fundraiser of the year

2009-03-27T23:21:00Z

Tabu’s Annual NCSF Fundraiser

Friday, April 3rd at 8 PM

Help us raise $$$ to fight for our right to sexual freedom at

Baltimore’s sexiest fundraiser of the year!!

At Tabu
1115 N. Rolling Rd, Catonsville, MD

Jam packed evening of dancing, fun, games, live entertainment, demonstrations and oh yeah…swinging…

Special Appearances & Performances by:

A performance for sexual freedom by Sacred Mark’s Sanctuary
Lap dances for Charity by the lovely ladies from Scores

Lube wrestling hosted by the NinjaXgirls and ID lube
Onsite body piercing by Time Bomb Tattoo

Blow Job & Pussy Eating Contest sponsored by Sugar

Cherry Poppin’ & Titty Pinnin’ sponsored by PowerXchange by nina

Spanks & Shocks by TNG Baltimore

Silent & Live auctions (including a Trip to Hedonism II, several yearly passes to Tabu, Score Prize packages).

And much much more

We hope that you can join us and be a part of it!! Cover is $20 per person for this event with ALL Door proceeds directly donated to NCSF. Normal Tabu membership requirements are waived for this event and everyone is welcome (including single males).

BYOB * 21+ event

For more information, to register, directions or to make a donation visit Tabu

Want to get involved? It’s not too late!! Email nina to involve your group, make a donation or to volunteer

Really? There's really a bible belt?

2009-02-10T14:03:00Z

I had the opportunity to attend my second protest last weekend. This time, however, I was on the receiving end. A radical Christian group caught wind of Winter Wickedness - the kink event that we were attending near Columbus. I really didn't know that there were really people like this out there. Check out some of the articles that resulted on both sides of the issue....

Columbus Dispatch Right Pundits TV 10 American's for Truth Better Than Faith World Net Daily The other Paper

Despite my shock at the whole thing, I was able to come away with some insights of my own. I am truly grateful to have the job and life that I do. I'm really happy that I do not live in the Bible belt (really - I didn't know there was a bible belt), and I am thankful for wonderful organizations and people that fight for our rights. Thank you AIS, Barak & Sheba, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, and the Holiday Inn Worthington.

Please take the time to support those who support you.... Holiday Inn Worthington, NCSF and AIS

An open letter to the Kink Community, from Barak & Sheba

We recognize the greater significance that this weekend held within the Central Ohio Kink, and National Kink communities. With the coming together of our community, and the help of the NCSF, Winter Wickedness Was a HUGE success! We had over 400 people in the space, and the Host Hotel could not have been kinder.

We want to thank everyone for the outpouring of love and support for Winter Wickedness. It was beautiful to see this community working together to defend what we are all trying to create. WW, and scores of other kink, BDSM and Leather events, groups and gatherings are essential for sharing what it is that we do in a legal, safe, sane and consensual environment. It is imperative that we continue to think globally, and work to defend and promote Kink, Leather and BDSM gatherings and events in our local, state and national arenas.

The calls to the hotel, and the corporate office assisted in offsetting the smear campaign that a few fanatical right wing individuals had mounted, as they attempted to mobilize their grassroots efforts within their community. We recognize that their efforts were attempts to play on the fears of their constituents by the misinformation that they were spreading. In this day and age, it is truly unfortunate that there is still this intolerant mindset.

We in the Kink/Leather/ BDSM lifestyle do what we do because we are seeking a greater connection, a more focused and honest power exchange, and a creative way of loving and caring for each other. There is no reason whatsoever that we need to be embarrassed or ashamed of what it is that we do. We are consensual adults, making choices about our personal sexual orientation and expression. This is a personal choice, and is not anyone else's concern. We do not impose our beliefs or lifestyle on others, but openly share should we be asked.

Like the GLBT communities, we too adamantly refuse to be forced to hide because of the ideology of a few fanatics. We are law-abiding, tax-paying, citizens of our respective communities. We are first class citizens, who happen to enjoy a creative expression of our sexuality. And we are "coming out" to stay. Furthermore, we refuse to accept any treatment that is discriminatory, demeaning, or shaming.

AIS, our gatherings and events are extensions of friendship, love, and acceptance. We are simply trying to create a safe, fun, educational and consensual gateway for adults who are open-hearted, honest and desire another form of communication and sexual expression. What we have found is that many people are grateful for this avenue. They have come away from our events with a more open way of connection, a new discovery of their needs, wants and desires, and a renewed relationship with themselves, life and others.

Times are changing, and we hope for the better. This fact that Winter Wickedness was a huge success, despite adversity, within a traditionally conservative local community, gives us hope. We are continuing our search for bliss. We look forward to our future work in the community to educate and share the truth of what it is that we do.

fallling off the wagon

2009-01-26T19:41:00Z

Don't worry, I didn't fall off the wagon...but I've been thinking about how easy it is to fall back into old habits without even realizing it. While we were on vacation I loosened the reigns on my "diet," while trying to make better choices. 6oz filet instead of the 18oz porterhouse, light beer instead of lager and so on. I made allowances because I was on vacation, but I came home and found an immediate reason to make more excuses...we were vending so eating out was pretty much the only option. I was tempted to make it my way out. "Well I really don't have a choice." But really I do and I did. No cookies, no coke (still), no junk. Now, I'm home and back to my regular routine (whatever that is)....

My next steps are to go to the grocery store so making healthy choices at home will be easier and to start exercising more regularly. I'll have to make the grocery store first as the gym is on hold until I see the cardiologist on Wednesday....

my coke addiction

2009-01-19T14:37:22Z

I went cold turkey four days ago. No coke at all. None, zip, zilch, zero....even nada!! The withdrawal has been better than I thought, but the headaches are killing me. I wake up in the middle with terrible migraines. Its a feeling similar to waking up after a night of binge drinking. Every ounce of moisture sucked from your body. Your head screaming at you for indulging in youthful tendencies.

The headaches, along with the aches and pains, have subsided. Now its just a matter of habit. Every time I open the refrigerator I reach for a diet coke. Just yesterday I had the cold can in the palm of my hand, the pop top popped and the delightful carbonation cheering me on. It wasn't until I heard the cheering that I realized what I was about to do....fall off the diet coke wagon.

Diet coke and visiting my mother by far the two biggest challenges I've encountered to far. I'm sitting at my mother's kitchen table as I write this, remembering the anxiety that I felt last night driving up here. Wondering what was for dinner, wondering if she would push another plate of pasta (it's always pasta) while telling me that I needed to lose a few pounds. I did fairly well...only one serving...one Italian serving.... but the calories added up....one cup of penne alone is 300 calories. I can't imagine the calorie and fat count on my mother's homemade meat sauce. A gravy that is made from the grease made by pounds of fried pork, meatballs, pepperoni and sausage. It can't be good for you. But dear god it is one of my favorite things in this world.

I only have to make it through on more meal. She is making breakfast now, it looks like sausage and eggs. Of course then there is pancakes and toast and potatoes and coffee and juice and fruit and pastries. No, I'm not exaggerating. We've seen this many times before. It is the staple of our Italian household and the desire to cook and entertain is dialed up. Arthur is upstairs still asleep. My mother loves to cook for him. She loves to cook for the men. I suspect it's what women do. Cook; cook for men, especially those visiting from out of town. This is her one tool to show off her household. I'm not putting her down mind you. I love to do the same. I cook regularly (ok somewhat regularly), but when we have guests I love to pull out all the stops!! I only complain because visits to her house and the subsequent hospitality adds inches to my waistline.

My only hope for successfully making it through the meal is that she downsizes the meal because we have to leave early. The purpose of our visit is to drop off Daisy (she is staying the week my mom and the rest of the gang for the week) and then we are off to Atlantic City for a little R&R. Of course then I have to come back and pick up the dog...I wonder what is for dinner?

I have a broken heart

2009-01-14T13:58:00Z

Ever wonder why the heart is the symbol of the center of our love, emotion, soul, spirituality. There are biblical, mythological and historical references to the heart being the seat of our soul. Indeed, many classical philosophers and scientists, including Aristotle, considered the heart the seat of thought, reason or emotion, often rejecting the value of the brain. In some odd combination of the two, I’ve often heard requests of some person or another to think with their brain (reason) or with their heart (passion, emotion, desire).

In many ways I understand that it is seen as the center of “our being.” The actions of the heart…thump, thump, thump….are obvious and when the obvious stops so does typically our “being.” Of course, for that sake the lungs could fit the same criteria. And in some irrational way is better suited for the job. It serves as a conduit between our being and the outside world. And then there is the Roman physician Galen who believed that the seat of passion was the liver. I’m tempted to say “how unromantic”, but have you ever actually seen a heart? It is far from romantic.

It seems that there is little other than a loose consistency based merely on our rhetorical needs at the time. I’d argue the point further, but in truth my interest is not great. I only bring up the point of the apparent relationship to my past (and continuing) psychiatric struggles and my developing cardiac symptoms.

I’ve been struggling with a variety of psychiatric symptoms for several years. Most of my adult life, I suspect. My introduction in to the “scene” has enflamed these symptoms. To which, my most amazing lifestyle friendly therapist tells me, is a good thing. Transitioning from a life of hiding to a life of being is not as easy as one might suspect. And so I’ve been to therapy and I’ve been on a variety of drugs to help me on this journey. And sometime in the last three years I’ve developed a new symptom. (In case you were wondering the previous symptoms usually presented as a raving bitch). Anxiety. Unexplained heart palpitations. The constant feeling that I’ve just gotten off of a roller coaster. Similar to that feeling that you have right before you are struck with a new toy or by a new play partner. That feeling right before you kiss someone that you are totally into and were sure they didn’t know you existed. The feeling of getting ready to speak in front of 200 people. That feeling. It seems like a pretty good feeling right? But I’d get it at odd times, watching television, doing laundry, filing paperwork.

So at first they called it anxiety and for lack of a better explanation, I accepted that. And, we changed my drug commendation again. Only the symptoms didn’t subside, they increase in frequency and potency. Fast forward….. I’ve missed speaking engagements, events, dinners, play dates. I’ve been to the ER and sent home, I’ve been to the doctor and sent home. Now, I’m waiting this morning to hear from someone who didn’t send me home.

It’s probably nothing, but it appears that I have a broken heart. We are waiting for the string of tests to come back. Either way I will know….either I have a broken heart or I really am a prisoner to my compulsions….more drugs please?

Holiday Whirlwind

2008-12-26T22:40:00Z

It’s 5pm and I feel like its past midnight. I’m exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. It was a whirlwind of a week. We (Sir and I) spent four days in Manhattan with his mother. Four days. It doesn’t seem like a long time and while it flew by, it also drug on painfully slow. A mix of exploring New York for the first time with a native; skipping most of the tourist attractions and enjoying the kooks and crannies of the city. I saw the Rockettes in Radio City Music Hall, I took the subway, had breakfast (and lunch) at the corner Irish Bar. I window shopped on the upper East Side and the Lower West side. I ate a $50 steak and drank beer for breakfast.

But the week wasn’t about vacationing, it was about Family. Both Sir and I had emotional time, trying to reconnect with our families and bringing our families together. Yes, his mother spent my family. Finally we’re home go back to the relaxing chaos of our lives. I’m teaching in Philly, He’s vending in Virginia, we are celebrating New Years….