Ever wonder why the heart is the symbol of the center of our love, emotion, soul, spirituality.  There are biblical, mythological and historical references to the heart being the seat of our soul.  Indeed, many classical philosophers and scientists, including Aristotle, considered the heart the seat of thought, reason or emotion, often rejecting the value of the brain. In some odd combination of the two, I’ve often heard requests of some person or another to think with their brain (reason) or with their heart (passion, emotion, desire). 

In many ways I understand that it is seen as the center of “our being.”  The actions of the heart…thump, thump, thump….are obvious and when the obvious stops so does typically our “being.”  Of course, for that sake the lungs could fit the same criteria.  And in some irrational way is better suited for the job.  It serves as a conduit between our being and the outside world.  And then there is the Roman physician Galen who believed that the seat of passion was the liver.  I’m tempted to say “how unromantic”, but have you ever actually seen a heart?  It is far from romantic. 

It seems that there is little other than a loose consistency based merely on our rhetorical needs at the time.  I’d argue the point further, but in truth my interest is not great.  I only bring up the point of the apparent relationship to my past (and continuing) psychiatric struggles and my developing cardiac symptoms. 

I’ve been struggling with a variety of psychiatric symptoms for several years.  Most of my adult life, I suspect.  My introduction in to the “scene” has enflamed these symptoms.  To which, my most amazing lifestyle friendly therapist tells me, is a good thing.  Transitioning from a life of hiding to a life of being is not as easy as one might suspect.  And so I’ve been to therapy and I’ve been on a variety of drugs to help me on this journey.  And sometime in the last three years I’ve developed a new symptom.  (In case you were wondering the previous symptoms usually presented as a raving bitch).  Anxiety.  Unexplained heart palpitations.  The constant feeling that I’ve just gotten off of a roller coaster.  Similar to that feeling that you have right before you are struck with a new toy or by a new play partner.  That feeling right before you kiss someone that you are totally into and were sure they didn’t know you existed.  The feeling of getting ready to speak in front of 200 people.   That feeling.  It seems like a pretty good feeling right?  But I’d get it at odd times, watching television, doing laundry, filing paperwork. 

So at first they called it anxiety and for lack of a better explanation, I accepted that.  And, we changed my drug commendation again.  Only the symptoms didn’t subside, they increase in frequency and potency.  Fast forward….. I’ve missed speaking engagements, events, dinners, play dates.  I’ve been to the ER and sent home, I’ve been to the doctor and sent home.  Now, I’m waiting this morning to hear from someone who didn’t send me home. 

It’s probably nothing, but it appears that I have a broken heart.  We are waiting for the string of tests to come back.  Either way I will know….either I have a broken heart or I really am a prisoner to my compulsions….more drugs please?